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SOme CAll Me ToNy

Ramblings, thoughts, ideas. My ways of killing time and not people.

Let Me Tear You Down

I escape into other people’s bodies to distract me from my own
I run around in my head
I ignore my body
I obsess over the bodies and minds of others
Show me your art
Show me your sex
I don’t care about your day
I want your philosophy
Mundanity is profanity
I want your depths
Particularly if you have depths you avoid, hide or block up
Let me tear you down

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It’s How I Am In Mornings

You’re selfish in the mornings

The haze comes back

Sluggish limbs attached to a heavy body

Grunted words

Unintended aggression

Food?

Caffeine

Hot liquids down throats

No room for romance here

Music speeds up the process

Brains whir like so many familiar machines

Silence is heavy

Smothering quietness turning mumbles into bellows

Whimpers into screams

Indifferent comments into diatribes

Returning to bed never helps

Sleep split up with you when your feet touched the ground

You walked out again

It’s how I am in mornings

There are lots of people making very explicitly political statements where they’re talking about who they’re voting for or which figures they align themselves with. I think if you know me, me saying that at this point would be redundant because you’d know or you’d have worked it out.

If you don’t want to vote because you don’t believe it makes a difference, you have that right. I might think not voting only makes a difference if enough people don’t vote and speak out but that‘s just like, my opinion, man.
If you are voting, and I think you should, then you vote for whoever you want. Some vote for ideals and hopes, others to counter opposing parties. Some vote for local MPs, others for the party as a whole, others for the leader. Some people make a list in their minds of what order they’d vote in and vote for whoever appears on the ballot that is high on that imaginary list whilst others swear by specifically one party and won’t vote for any others under any circumstances. It’s not my place to say which is right and which are wrong. Just, if you are voting, know why you are voting and be prepared to live with any and all consequences of that vote. Don’t vote because of headlines, hashtags, trends, memes etc. Just think it through.

Three years and all I’ve got

Is a photo in a frame on the floor

A jar filled with loves that you gave me

Little notes that I can’t read anymore
You never understood

I wonder if you could

You said I never tried to explain

I know I never could
The perfect portrait of love

Growing dusty on the carpet

The piece of you you gave

Sits left on the desk

Forever was our favourite dream

But I neglected and abused

Took the flowers all for granted

You bloom so beautifully in spring

I Still Care

Choking

Suffocate

The heat intensifies the isolation

Five days since you were missed in bed

Now all signs show permanence

Confusion and upset circle around

They’ve moved on now

Supposed drunken one offs

Now the way things are

No response shows a lack of care 

Too many tries, too little, too late

Self-inflicted loss interpreted as hate

The dams swell but nothing bursts

Lips stapled when asked about the hurt 

It didn’t work and you don’t work

But I’ll wait for another try

It can be a break

Does that make you break?

Enjoy it. 

Electric Drill

The sound of the electric drill
Throbbing in my ears
Everything tremors
Overexposure is numbing

I cannot be certain but this feels like the first day since we met with absolutely no contact. It’s so strange. I keep looking at you in my mind. Watching you walk away over and over. Hearing you tell me you want to leave or think I should leave. I hope you find someone who can be what I’m not.

I hope you find someone who loves you as much as I do but can express it in ways you appreciate.

I hope you find someone you love like I love you.

I know I can’t be with anyone now.

The bright and shining colours blurred the ghosts ever there

Learnt to live with past mistakes and hide within her hair

Her eyes so vibrant, called to me and perused the darkest depths

Further than her mind could think or I had ever known

Now another ghost standing by the wall

Another victim I dream about and call

Silently and audibly, always wanting more

Knowing that to try, would kill us even more

Love?

Do people fall out of love? Do they stop loving? Or do they just realise they weren’t in love to begin with?
Is true love a once in a lifetime event, or do people have multiple true loves? Is it dependant on the individual?
Is love commitment?
Is love unity?
Is love understanding?
Is love blunt, brutal and blinding?
How can people claim to love whilst leaving the person they’re professing to feel for?
Is love a crutch? Is it crippling and addictive? Do people become dependent on it? Should they?
Is taking a break the same as leaving forever? Does the former inevitably lead to the latter?
Why do people think reunions work? How do they deal with the awkwardness? The walking on egg shells and skirting around issues so as to avoid repeating past mistakes? Hoping that what they ran from has left more than running back to what they were drawn to?
Why do people seem to see potential rather than what is there? Does anyone see what’s before them?
Is love helping people with their problems or helping them just live with them? Is love living with things or improving them?
Why don’t people see that love really is like water? It changes form and becomes a necessity but can drown and break just as easily as it can heal.

Something’s Got To Change

And she said it again twelve times this hour

Something’s got to change

I said it’s so strange how this happens

Like a wilting growing flower

Her eyes had grown cloudy

Mist dropping down

And the skies all started to rain

I said you tore my umbrella

When you borrowed it last

But I learn to live with the strain

 

She said something’s got to change

 

Her hair and her mood had gone blue for the week

And the squeak of it all hunched me well

I said haven’t you tried something else

But she cried and told me not to speak

She painted her eyes and coloured them well

Her lips were cliche impressive and soft

I put on my hat and grabbed her coat

The sleeves tore off, I tried for a joke

She told me to try harder

And I just choke

 

She said something’s got to change

 

We’ve grown daily apart and together again

But the rain keeps on blowing

We cling on and let go and your hands start to slip

Our knuckles are red from the pain

The bruises don’t show in a physical sense

But the hedges are getting cut down

I tried to rebuild them but she told me to walk

Then grabbed onto the strings

She spun me around said help me decide

I said it’s up to you it’s all in your mind

 

She said something’s got to change

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