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SOme CAll Me ToNy

Ramblings, thoughts, ideas. My ways of killing time and not people.

Month

August 2015

Bottled Kills

Collect all my bottled kills
Deaths with lids
I put them in jars for you
One got out once
It fell near a roof edge
I wasn’t sure what to do
She screamed and cried
For the one who died
His name was Innocence
I let him out the screw top lid
And everyone lost their sense
Glasses of water and hot tub films
Sneaking kisses in the next rooms
Hide behind the sofa
Curl up in a ball
Hide behind the sofa
There’s nothing there at all

Confession

I’ve never known love
And I never will
I don’t want feelings
They’re things you can’t kill
Things that can’t die
Have indefinite lives
Unending sorrow
Infinite lies

I don’t want love
It means I must change
If I have to
It will be strange
I don’t know what’s wrong
With how I still think
But maybe my thoughts
Aren’t like bugs in the sink

Perhaps when you feel
Everything’s new
You’re beautiful, ugly
You really are you
If I must feel
Then tell me how
I’m feeling so numb
In a bubble right now

So say how to think
What to feel or do
I never sound smart
Or say nice things to you
I know how to make
You sit there and cry
But to know what to do
When so stilly you lie

Oh tell me how to move
On from the past
Let go of such things
Find greener grass
I don’t want to say
I’m weak and alone
But that is one thing
I have always known

Too Long

They cut and poke and phone us up
But we know the truth
They say your brain had given up
But it’s not that

They got you in the end
You were running so fast
But they caught you and that’s that
You can’t live forever
Unless eternal life is in memory
Then I shall grant you that
Because I can never move on or forget
The gentle man who showed love to us all

Twenty two was the number of me
The address of your house
The gap between years
A recurring theme like a nightmare
Flying around in my head like the ghostly portraits of your face
Scenes of kindness
Lessons learnt
To live and love as you did would be a fantasy
None can live as you
Truly, none would wish to
You could never move on from your past and it killed you in the end
Outrunning your demons as they grew in strength
Their ranks growing larger as you aged in your chair
You knew it would happen
You did what you could
Spoke softly in the front room sitting in your chair
Gazing at the street you once knew so well
But the world had changed and you couldn’t cope
You didn’t want to be around
We all live too long

“Are You Okay?”

“Are you okay?” The words fall like drool from a dog watching its master eating steak

The cold hearts of people feigning care as they run to you, arms out demanding hugs
Kisses for the sad, they cry, as you stand and wonder why,
Why the façade? If they cared they would work it out and they do not so why try?
They feel they should care but don’t so just ask and hug and ask and hug
Waiting for the day where you smile fully, sleep soundly and wake up feeling as fresh as they do when they shower
You think of rain and tears where they see hygiene and relaxation
You see blood and death where they see life and youth
Babies die, you think
Life is born, they say
The fakery of it all as it swans around you, clucking like an army officer inspecting
You’re on parade ground now and your loved ones are dead
Everyone here is an enemy and you can’t cope
You don’t know how
But they try and they lie and they die and you don’t love them until they aren’t there to be loved

The few you feel for are so distracted or distraught you aren’t on their list
They prioritise above you and you stand at the ladder base hating
Hating everything they put above you as you sit and wonder why
Why all those you love have others in their lives whilst you have only them
Only him and only her
Nothing they do or say is ever enough
None of it ever makes you happy
Are you so old and jaded you feel you’ve seen it all?
Are you bored?
Or is it deeper?
The infinite sadness in the oceans of fake joy
Drowning in the façade of pleasantries
Parties hide tears
Games hiding fights
The light is out and we put in a mirror
Reflecting them back as you mimic them so
They can’t complain if they talk to themselves
Right?

Laying in bed wanting to sleep
Wanting to write
Wanting to read
Never time for anything as time is too short and life is too long
The world is too big and vast for us all
But we pillage time and rape the earth
Killing each other to climb to the top
Getting heaps of trash to pass on when you die
When the Devils sing and the angels cry
So you get nothing done because committing is too hard
So you lay and think and shout at yourself in your head
Because you know you should have done something for the past three weeks
But find yourself repeating your act
Wake, eat, watch, listen, eat, think, wonder, maybe? eat, sleep
Birth, grow, school, marriage, work, children, die
The order alters but it’s all the same
Another tear in the puddle
Another stitch in the carpet
Another star in the sky
Individually you’re the world
Together you’re a blur

The Hunter Will Come

Seconds of relief
From the permanent grief
A cool breeze in a blazing house
Like a rabbit in a wasteland
The hunter will come in the end

The Thoughts You’d Love To Kill

Heads filled with maybes
Lost chances burnt up
Dreams, hopes, fantasies
It’s all never quite enough
Yearning for what is lost
Missing what could have been
Everything else has moved on
Smiles nowhere to be seen

The world is happy and fun
Or sad and lonely and cold
But you live alone in your head
With the little emotion you hold
Splitting from loved ones
You sit and stare blank
At the walls and the stars
Swimming in your tank

You run out of room
In your solitude and peace
Peace, he says
But the anger doesn’t cease
Violent thoughts crowd an unhappy mind
Desolate thoughts of actions unkind

Unable to progress
But running from the past
Time runs out
You’re ageing too fast
Soon to join them
You’ll lay lifeless, still
Permanently quieting
The thoughts you’d love to kill

Are You Okay?

The sun doesn’t shine
And the fires go cold
Hollow inside
You cut up your soul
Shattered mirrors
Dreams or what you want to see
Don’t know what you are
A walking hollow tree

A syringe for a brother
A crazy for a mum
Rage for a father
Leaves you just numb
Skies always dark
Crowds always part
You’re the one who always tried
To tape back up your heart

Owl Of My Dreams

She comes to me at night,
She is the owl of my dreams,
Reminding me of solitude,
Sewing up my tearing seams,
She gives me all that I could need,
I stretch her wings, lay her down, and start to feed,

Her eyes are deep and haunting,
She can vanish if you do not watch,
All that she will leave will be,
A pile of blood, sweat and cloth,

Passion hunter consuming all,
Every rat feels blessed,
When she’s done, you take the fall,
She goes until there’s nothing left

Fall

Her neck was a rail for hanging the curtains on
Her eyes were dead, the brown sun had burnt and gone
Blank stares and evil glares for the source of it all
That wretched thing that hurt her so, hope it will fall

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