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SOme CAll Me ToNy

Ramblings, thoughts, ideas. My ways of killing time and not people.

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poem

I Still Care

Choking

Suffocate

The heat intensifies the isolation

Five days since you were missed in bed

Now all signs show permanence

Confusion and upset circle around

They’ve moved on now

Supposed drunken one offs

Now the way things are

No response shows a lack of care 

Too many tries, too little, too late

Self-inflicted loss interpreted as hate

The dams swell but nothing bursts

Lips stapled when asked about the hurt 

It didn’t work and you don’t work

But I’ll wait for another try

It can be a break

Does that make you break?

Enjoy it. 

Electric Drill

The sound of the electric drill
Throbbing in my ears
Everything tremors
Overexposure is numbing

I cannot be certain but this feels like the first day since we met with absolutely no contact. It’s so strange. I keep looking at you in my mind. Watching you walk away over and over. Hearing you tell me you want to leave or think I should leave. I hope you find someone who can be what I’m not.

I hope you find someone who loves you as much as I do but can express it in ways you appreciate.

I hope you find someone you love like I love you.

I know I can’t be with anyone now.

The bright and shining colours blurred the ghosts ever there

Learnt to live with past mistakes and hide within her hair

Her eyes so vibrant, called to me and perused the darkest depths

Further than her mind could think or I had ever known

Now another ghost standing by the wall

Another victim I dream about and call

Silently and audibly, always wanting more

Knowing that to try, would kill us even more

Something’s Got To Change

And she said it again twelve times this hour

Something’s got to change

I said it’s so strange how this happens

Like a wilting growing flower

Her eyes had grown cloudy

Mist dropping down

And the skies all started to rain

I said you tore my umbrella

When you borrowed it last

But I learn to live with the strain

 

She said something’s got to change

 

Her hair and her mood had gone blue for the week

And the squeak of it all hunched me well

I said haven’t you tried something else

But she cried and told me not to speak

She painted her eyes and coloured them well

Her lips were cliche impressive and soft

I put on my hat and grabbed her coat

The sleeves tore off, I tried for a joke

She told me to try harder

And I just choke

 

She said something’s got to change

 

We’ve grown daily apart and together again

But the rain keeps on blowing

We cling on and let go and your hands start to slip

Our knuckles are red from the pain

The bruises don’t show in a physical sense

But the hedges are getting cut down

I tried to rebuild them but she told me to walk

Then grabbed onto the strings

She spun me around said help me decide

I said it’s up to you it’s all in your mind

 

She said something’s got to change

I Love You So Very Much 

“I love you so very much”

It’s not a string of happy words

It’s love but paralysing hurt

Not the kind that holds you still

That kind that grabs your heart to kill

When everything’s wrong and it feels like night

And day are the same old grey way

When your coffee is like water

And your water is black

Where your mind can’t hold a thought

Not through the lack of trying

But because that love stops your soul from dying

I love you so very much.

But We’re Not Racist

Nazis, UKIP, KKK, National Front, BNP
It’s all about protecting us from them
We’re not racist, we just want them to go
We’re proud of our heritage and where we’re from
The things outside of our control
Everyone is brainwashed by education, by society, the media
Taught to be ashamed of our colonial past
We’re not slavers anymore
We want them to leave
But we’re not racist
They create problems here
But we’re not racist
They should learn to be like us, speak our tongue, pray like us
But we’re not racist
Differences are fine so long as they conform
But we’re not racist
They preach hate, they are scum and should die
But we’re not racist
We’re not hypocrites
They start in ones then queue by the thousand
We’re drowning in a sea of foreign
They outnumber us
It’s not proven but it feels like it
Why should we help them?
What have they done for us?
What did we do to them?
Why do we deserve this?
Leave them to look after themselves
Why do they flee their lands?
I’d like to see some of you face bullets, bombs, starvation and the kinds of poverty that connect your spine to your navel
But we’re not racist
We’re proud
Proud of where we’re from because we chose that ourselves
We chose to be from here
We chose to speak this way
They choose to run
They choose to bring their fears
They bring their gods and tongues, their children and their cooking
We get the takeaways but mow down the rest
Get rid of it
Diversity thrust upon us
We never asked for this
But we’re not racist

Suck

A thousand hums swirling around
Feeding as it hovers over well-trodden ground
One voice cuts through it all
As it cries, it all stops
Was it worth it?

I Am Crow

I am like nesting crow
In this hall of mirrors
The reflections are all real
You may never know
Your words suck air
I still soar above

Just A Fish

Dipping fingers into the river’s waters
Touching all the water on all the earth
The rivers do not get jealous
Oceans demand no loyalty
Love the waters and they all love you
Advance recklessly and they will have their way
They give life and take it away
We obsess and fixate on their way
The ebbing and flowing, their wild nature
Their having no single nomenclature
I am but a fish swimming the depths
Searching for things, I know not what yet
I ask River’s help as she shows me the way
Allowing in light at the break of each day
I see other fish and the coral and krill
Wonder what delights, fears and thrills
Could be in store for one such as I
Who swim so blindly
I’ll figure it out as I search for food
A place to sleep, and look at the view
Try to take it all in but there is too much
Drowning in the life that circles me
Addled by life, by death
The sea is my prison
The water’s disease
I cannot leave and step onto shore
I cannot leave and live again once more

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